Unfortunately, a friend of mine is back on the dating scene. I say unfortunately, because while she’s very optimistic about the whole thing, we both know that dating, though occasionally fun, is more often than not just disastrous. I know that I’m a bad friend, but her lack of a respectable partner is affecting me too. Call me controversial, but I like a double date and I know that double dating with her would be a laugh because she drinks her wine by the bottle like I do, and there’s nothing worse than asking for a straw for your sauvignon when the other girlfriend is drinking soda water. So she needs to find a date sharpish. She’s a beautiful girl, inside and out, which is why I’m annoyed as she’s obviously just not trying hard enough, and I think I know why.
This attractive girl has it all. She’s funny, she’s gorgeous, she’s smart and she bloody loves her food. No man likes taking a woman on a date and paying for food she’s just going to stare at. It’s a waste of money, and if he’s a real foodie, it’s a waste of his time too. Likewise, my friend does not want to go on a date with a man who thinks truffle is chocolate and pronounces the ‘s’ in foie gras. Never mind if he prefers cats to dogs or is a total gym freak – if he can read a menu and understand it perfectly, he’s a keeper. My friend (let’s call her D) loves dining in restaurants, and she doesn’t want to ruin her experience by taking an absolute novice with her who will be too shy or proud or ignorant to ask the waiter what wine he recommends.
D doesn’t want a rich bloke that can afford to eat out every night (obviously, she wouldn’t turn one down) and she doesn’t want a wine connoisseur either, she simply wants a bloke who enjoys eating out when he can and who takes an interest in the wine that he drinks. She asked me, as any potential candidates will need my approval anyway, what I would like in her man, and I said the same: someone who isn’t going to embarrass us at the table and who will always suggest buying a bottle instead of a glass. What’s the problem? These men are rare. She’s no Courtney Stodden, she’s not going to date a man over 50 to find these qualities, which is the age range you’re most likely to find them, so instead she chooses to be single, and take me to dinner instead.
I’m not complaining, I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend and both take me out to dinner and get me drunk on a regular basis, but D deserves to be spoilt in that sense too. Foodies who aren’t snobbish, balding, boring or painfully Dalston are hard to come by, but they do exist. I guess we’ll just have to continue eating in restaurants and keeping our eyes peeled for a good looking man who pronounces scallops correctly and orders his venison medium rare, while his skinny date stares gormlessly at her chicken with potatoes and occasionally takes a sip of her vodka lemonade. As soon as she scurries off the bathroom to avoid having to order a dessert, we’ll make our move.
In the meantime, if you’re a man under 35 who is sick of dating women who eat lettuce, or know of a friend who has had a similar experience with a girl on a date, why not get in touch? I’ll judge you and possibly set you up with my gorgeous friend.
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